2) Planning my kid’s birthday party. His birthday is coming up ridiculously fast, and I have not yet set a party date or sent any invitations or bought any presents or ordered any cake. It’s like I’m campaigning for a terrible mother award.

3) Hitting my self-imposed word count goals. Supposed to do at least 12K this month, and I think so far I’ve done 5500 or so. True, it’s been 5500 of some of the hardest stuff in the book, so it’s not too shocking that I’m slogging through it more slowly than I’d like, but still. Sheez. What’s the point of setting these goals if I’m not hitting them?

4) Getting my car registration sticker updated. They mailed me the paperwork. I lost the paperwork. It’s crazy-hard to get a new sticker without the &%*# paperwork, and when I call the tax office to request new paperwork, the automated answering thing won’t let me talk to a person about this situation. It’s not “you might have to hold for 20 years” or “leave a message and maybe we’ll call you back someday.” No, it’s “we can’t take your call, period, g’bye.” For two days now! During normal business hours! What the what?

5) Making a dentist appointment for my kid. See above re: terrible mother. Also, making a dentist appointment for myself. Sigh.

6) Writing posts for GeekMom. I’ve done two this month. TWO. Must whip out at least a couple more before the month escapes me completely.

7) Donating stuff. I’m very good about the sorting and the gathering of the things to donate, even putting them in little carry-bags all ready to go, and sometimes even loading them into the back of my car. Whee! I’m not so great at actually driving over to the donate place. So I guess I’ll just be driving around with a bunch of baby stuff and small child clothes and old paperbacks filling up my trunk for a while, rattling around whenever I take a corner and inconveniencing me whenever I unload the grocery cart.

8) Updating this blog. Look, nothing’s worse than the old “gosh I sure haven’t updated in a long time, so sorry” kind of blog post, like who the heck do you think is out there pining away for your blog posts, honey? And I do not set a quota for this blog, it’s just for me whenever I want to do it. But it’s still OUT THERE, mocking me with its three-week-old last update, so it goes on the list.

So, I am behind. But I am now fully caught up on listing the things I’m behind on, so that was a good use of my time. I think we can see how I get myself into these problems, yes?

Fact: That was Nov. 4, 2011

So OK, I’m not going to come out and call it Bad Things Day, but let’s look at the evidence:

1) I had to get up at 6:30 a.m. and go to work on a Saturday
2) I tripped on a curb getting out of the car and FELL DOWN
3) My son seriously choked on a tortilla chip at dinner

This is not looking good for you, fortune cookie. I almost never have to work weekends, and I do everything in my power to avoid the entire 6 a.m. hour. I can’t remember the last time I actually fell down, and my son has never choked before, ever in his almost-4 years.

However…

1) The work thing went well, and there were cookies there
2) I fell in a rolling fashion into soft groundcover and didn’t get hurt at all
3) My son is OK. We were terrified for a minute, but his airway wasn’t totally blocked, my husband expeditiously Heimliched him, and he is fine. Twenty minutes later he was gleefully running laps on the sidewalk. Thank you, universe, he is fine.

Or thank you, fortune cookie. Whatever. If that was my good thing, I’ll take it. Kind of a jerk move, to make the first thing happen so I could be glad about the second thing, but yeah, whatever. I’ll take it.

From: Mr. Jonh Wong
Subject: Dear how are you to day.
Well, Mr. Wong, “to day” I am pretty exhausted from a grueling work week. I would ask how you are, but I’m going to assume you’re busy at punctuation class.

From: MR PETER WONG
Subject: Acknowledge
I really don’t care for your commanding tone, Mr. Wong. (Your relative Jonh was much more polite and solicitous.) But since you insist, fine: Acknowledged.

From: viviane rubel
Subject: Hello dear friend.
Hi, Viviane. Please see Mr. Wong (Jonh) for directions to punctuation class.

From: MRS. TURNER CLARISSA ANN
Subject: CAN I TRUST YOU
Probably not, Mrs. Turner Clarissa Ann. Probably not.

From: Enlargement pils Free trial
Subject: Portugal regrets not bringing herbal supplements
I know, Portugal is always screwing up that way.

From: CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA
Subject: YOUR DIPLOMAT HAS NOW ARRIVE AT JACKSONVILLE INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT FLORIDA,CONTACT HIM NOW.
Ooh, this makes me feel like a secret agent.

From: Lottery 2012
Subject: Congartulation
Tahnk you!

From: Euro Millions Lottery
Subject: 2012 Second Prize Winner
Very clever, Euro Millions Lottery. Second prize is definitely much more believable than first prize. I’m sold.

From: Travis pompous
Subject: healthcare database with 365 specialties
I’m not really that interested in your healthcare database, but I do love your last name, Mr. Pompous.

From: Dr. John C.C Chan
Subject: Good day
Oh, come on. Let’s try that again with a bit more enthusiasm, shall we?

From: Dr. C.C Chan
Subject: Good day!
Ah, that’s more like it.

From: George Akal Garba
Subject: Compliment
I read through this whole e-mail, and there’s not one compliment in it. I feel misled.

From: Rocco Mickelburg
Subject: Hey, any good thougts about Christmas present to  our friend Bradley Cooper
Brad and I aren’t that close anymore. Ever since he became America’s Bad Boy Sweetheart/Loveable Rogue, he doesn’t really return my calls. So, I’m going with… gift certificate?

From: Maria
Subject: Hello, I am Maria
Yeah, I got that. But thank you for using a comma.

From: Johnson-Honesty, Crystal M
Subject: Hello From Brown Cheng
You, on the other hand, are confusing.

From: Mrs.Martha Chery
Subject: *****SPAM***** Dear Beloved,
Mrs. Chery! You don’t put “SPAM” right in the subject line. See above for lessons from Euro Millions Lottery.

There. I feel better.

This illustrated review of / commentary on the movie War Horse
http://thehairpin.com/2012/01/war-horse-an-illustrated-review

This Twitter account that cracks me up every time it shows up in my feed
https://twitter.com/#!/NowImworried

This! Oh lord, this! HEEEEEEheeheeheehee
http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/eels-always-look-like-they-just-told-a-joke-and-ar

This thoughtful “WTF” podcast with comedian Todd Glass
http://www.wtfpod.com/podcast/episodes/episode_245_-_todd_glass

These delightful anthropomorphized objects
http://www.bspcn.com/2012/01/12/some-of-the-best-most-creative-bent-objects-ever/

Hunger! Games! Trailer! Spoof! So funny
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgsIitK77yc

All right, I’ll be self-serving and link to my own thing, about how I tried to get some sleep
http://www.geekmom.com/2012/01/fitness-week-my-week-of-adequate-sleep/

I like how they give you a sneak peek through that little window. Oh yeah, you want to look.

The first thing is the ingredients: vanilla ice cream, chocolate fudge swirl, and dark-chocolate covered peanuts. Not too complicated, just a perfect balance of delightful things. It’s not too much chocolate, like some chocolate ice cream + chocolate chunk varieties, and it’s not too little chocolate (I’m looking at you, Chocolate Chip). It doesn’t have any gross caramel streaks or globs of raw cookie dough (ugh) or taste-free waffle cone chunks. It’s everything good, nothing bad.

But here’s why I really can’t resist it: YOU CAN’T GET IT ALL THE TIME. Blue Bell has got this Disneyfied-keep-it-in-the-vault thing going on, where some flavors are only available on a wildly unpredictable seasonal rotation. It totally gets me. I see the Tin Roof in the ice cream case, and I immediately salivate because IT’S SO GOOD Y’ALL, but where I could normally overcome that, I also have this sense of “Oh, but when will I see you again, dearest Tin Roof?” urgency going on, and that I cannot fight.

Look at that and tell me you could resist.

So tonight I have a date with Tin Roof. Awesome.

A Little Night Magic (Jan 31)
I read a beta version of this book, and it’s magically delicious. I’m excited to read the final version.

Good things day (Feb 4)
This fortune cookie promised me good things would happen to me. Thought I’d forget, didn’t you, fortune cookie? Nuh-uh.

Hunger Games movie (Mar 23)
As previously mentioned: AAAAHHHHHHEEEE!!

Grave Mercy (April 3)
YA book about a teen medieval assassin, by the excellent Robin LaFevers. Looks so awesome.

Let’s Pretend This Never Happened (April 17)
Very excited to read The Bloggess’s memoir — sure to be hilarious

Game of Thrones – Season 2 (April)
YAY! Also making me happy? The prospect of re-watching all of Season 1 before the first show of Season 2 airs.

The Avengers (May 4)
Here’s where sitting through Captain America and Thor pays off! And Whedon directs! Woo!

Redshirts (June 5)
Love the premise of this new Scalzi novel — all the peons on the spaceship band together to save the day

More sleep
I’m kicking off a get-more-sleep project I’ll be blogging about for GeekMom. Surely extra rest will make me more chipper, right?

Ricky Gervais Show – Season 3 (TBA)
One of my favorite shows, returning at some point during the year. The animation is almost as good as the talking.

I’m sure there will be much more. Bring it on, 2012!

Mike and Tom Eat Snacks
My very favorite podcast — so funny and snack-ucational

7 Minutes in Heaven
Hilarious video interviews with somewhat unnerved celebrities

Noooope
The best commercial for taxidermy I’ve ever seen

The Magicians
OK, this came out in 2009, but I just discovered it this year. Mind-blowingly good.

Old Man’s War
OK, THIS came out in 2004, but I just read it this year, and it’s so fantastic I immediately read the sequels/follow-ups The Ghost Brigades and The Last Colony. News that it’s set to become a movie did break in 2011, so I’m counting it.

Learning Dutch
I tried out this language learning product for a GeekMom review, and I actually retained some Dutch! Mijn luchtkussenboot zit vol paling!

Sporcle.com
Love the quizzes; a great time-wasting site

New word my kid invented: Sneakretly
Sneakily + secretly = sneakretly

Hunger Games trailer
My excitement for this movie cannot be described in words. It’s more like an AAAAHHHHEEEEEE!!!! sound

“In Your Arms” video
Good song; amazing video made with jelly beans!

Attachments
Loved this delightful book

DamnYouAutoCorrect.com
OK, I discovered this last year, but it continues to reliably make me die laughing this year

“Tonight, Tonight”
This song somehow forces me to dance and be happy

Tiff’s Treats
Warm cookies, delivered. Only in Dallas and Austin right now, but hey, demand them in your city!

“I’m Reading a Book”
Funny and TRUE Julian Smith music video about being interrupted while reading

Adam Scott and Rob Lowe on Parks and Rec
I love Parks and Recreation, and I adore Adam Scott, and I had no idea Rob Lowe was so funny. Put them all together, and I faint with happiness.

Sleepwalk with Me
Very funny and compelling comedy album from the terrific Mike Birbiglia

Thanks for the great stuff, 2011! Can’t wait to see what 2012 brings, assuming that Mayan doom thing doesn’t pan out.

OK, here’s the story. We bought holiday-shaped cookie cutters last year and had fun making cookies and decorating them. But my kid prefers chocolate chip cookies to sugar cookies, so this year he wanted to make the cutouts out of chocolate chip dough. I thought, why not? Cookies are cookies, right?

Well. The thing about chocolate chip cookie dough is that it’s very hard to get it to lay down flat, even with a rolling pin. The chocolate chips hamper all flattening efforts. So, what the hell, I left them kind of thick, and we made our shapes and carefully placed them on the cookie sheet, like so:

Exhibit A

I thought they turned out OK, although a little lumpy and weird-looking, studded with all those chocolate chips.

But then we cooked them, and anyone who’s more experienced in the kitchen than me (read: everyone) can guess how that turned out.

Exhibit Fail

We ended up using the cutters on the already-baked cookies to make them into shapes again, which turned out OK and — bonus — resulted in a big pile of cookie scraps that we are in no way too fancy to eat.

The lesson? Uh, I guess… that my kid should have low expectations about my cooking/baking abilities. Also, even mangled-looking cookies taste pretty good.

EXCEPT. All these little things went my way. Traffic lights turned green for me, and elevators fetched me promptly. It was raining while I was driving, but it stopped just before I needed to get out of the car. I got a killer parking space that saved me lots of time. And every time I went to the ladies’ room at work, it was totally empty!

Your kindness has been noted, universe. Thank you.

And it was a kit! How hard could it be?

Right. I forgot I don’t know how to do swirly hand-piping with icing, and that I’m generally not artistically inclined. This is what happened when my 3-year-old and I made that kit:

My husband says the fondant curtains look like bloody fangs. Yup.

I’d love to say the craziest/sloppiest parts are his doing, but I can’t let the kid take the fall like that. Truth: It’s mostly me.

Oh well, at least… it’s colorful? Happy holidays!