My First Books, Part 1
I want to share with you the very first books I ever wrote. I’m not talking about the never-shall-ye-scan-its-pages romance novel I wrote in college, which featured a meet-cute where the hero was flummoxed by meeting the heroine because he’d expected her to be a guy. (Because her name was Andy, and no one told him it was short for Andrea.) (Read: hilarious mixup! Knee-slapping guffaws abound!)
I’m also not talking about the series of stories I wrote in elementary school about not one but TWO
Mary Sues cheerleaders who were gorgeous and talented and also TWINS and ALSO were allowed to roller-skate to school when they didn’t feel like riding their horses.
No, I’m going back to the very beginning: Two books I wrote in first grade. I apologize in advance for the spelling, which I think goes beyond aww-cute-kid and into nearly unbearable, and for the completely derivative nature of the stories. Also, for the drawings. Basically, there’s nothing good about these stories except they make me laugh. So here we go.
Book 1: A Littel Girl Coms From Wat?
Text: Wuns upon a time there was a littel tiny frog. Ii was thining abowt the littel girl hoo came to feed the birds evre day.
I like the frog’s pensive pose as he contemplates the origins of humanity.
Text: He said “I wander wer littel girls comfrom,” said the littel frog. So he went to the rooster. “Rooster rooster he said.
Wait, did he say it, or did he say it? Also, sloppy punctuation, kid.
Text: “Wer do littel girls comfrom? Oh wer do littel girls comfrom I do not no let’s go ask the elephant
Can you even follow the dialogue exchanges here? Anyway, I like the way the elephant has a peanut balanced at the end of his trunk.
Text: elephant nos evre thing. Oh wer do littel girls comfrom? I do not no. let’s go ask jeraf.
I have no regard for matching the text on the page to the illustration, obviously. Also, how in the world did I manage to draw the one giraffe in the world that doesn’t have a long neck? Isn’t that the giraffe’s defining characteristic? I got the spots, sure, but that thing looks like a spotted cow with antennae.
Text: He will no. Wer do littel girls comfrom? I do not no. let’s go ask alagator. Oh wer do littel girls comfrom? They comfrom Mather’s the end.
I don’t know, the ending seems a bit abrupt, don’t you think?
So that’s an example of my early genius, but stay tuned. Book 2 is next, and I warn you now, it’s wackypants.