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Responding to spam

January 28, 2012

I get a lot of spam e-mail every day, and of course I just delete it like everyone else. But I can’t help reading the sender names and subject lines as I do, and sometimes they make me laugh, and sometimes they confuse me, and sometimes they just make me want to say something in reply. I’m not dumb enough to actually reply to spam, though, so instead I’m going to respond here and see if I like it.

From: Mr. Jonh Wong
Subject: Dear how are you to day.
Well, Mr. Wong, “to day” I am pretty exhausted from a grueling work week. I would ask how you are, but I’m going to assume you’re busy at punctuation class.

From: MR PETER WONG
Subject: Acknowledge
I really don’t care for your commanding tone, Mr. Wong. (Your relative Jonh was much more polite and solicitous.) But since you insist, fine: Acknowledged.

From: viviane rubel
Subject: Hello dear friend.
Hi, Viviane. Please see Mr. Wong (Jonh) for directions to punctuation class.

From: MRS. TURNER CLARISSA ANN
Subject: CAN I TRUST YOU
Probably not, Mrs. Turner Clarissa Ann. Probably not.

From: Enlargement pils Free trial
Subject: Portugal regrets not bringing herbal supplements
I know, Portugal is always screwing up that way.

From: CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA
Subject: YOUR DIPLOMAT HAS NOW ARRIVE AT JACKSONVILLE INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT FLORIDA,CONTACT HIM NOW.
Ooh, this makes me feel like a secret agent.

From: Lottery 2012
Subject: Congartulation
Tahnk you!

From: Euro Millions Lottery
Subject: 2012 Second Prize Winner
Very clever, Euro Millions Lottery. Second prize is definitely much more believable than first prize. I’m sold.

From: Travis pompous
Subject: healthcare database with 365 specialties
I’m not really that interested in your healthcare database, but I do love your last name, Mr. Pompous.

From: Dr. John C.C Chan
Subject: Good day
Oh, come on. Let’s try that again with a bit more enthusiasm, shall we?

From: Dr. C.C Chan
Subject: Good day!
Ah, that’s more like it.

From: George Akal Garba
Subject: Compliment
I read through this whole e-mail, and there’s not one compliment in it. I feel misled.

From: Rocco Mickelburg
Subject: Hey, any good thougts about Christmas present to  our friend Bradley Cooper
Brad and I aren’t that close anymore. Ever since he became America’s Bad Boy Sweetheart/Loveable Rogue, he doesn’t really return my calls. So, I’m going with… gift certificate?

From: Maria
Subject: Hello, I am Maria
Yeah, I got that. But thank you for using a comma.

From: Johnson-Honesty, Crystal M
Subject: Hello From Brown Cheng
You, on the other hand, are confusing.

From: Mrs.Martha Chery
Subject: *****SPAM***** Dear Beloved,
Mrs. Chery! You don’t put “SPAM” right in the subject line. See above for lessons from Euro Millions Lottery.

There. I feel better.

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